hot mess

some girls are just a hot mess. caveat emptor.

showing vacancies

a super SoCal girl checked out a studio today.

girl: "whats that, its so in the waaayyy. can it be moved?"

me: "thats a radiator. no, it cannot."

girl: "so there's no garbage disposal?"

me: "nope."

girl: "are there, like, doors for the pantry?"

me: "this one has a door. . .see? this one does not."

girl: "whoa, look at that sink! ewwww!" (split section sink)

me: "ya know, i showed this unit to a friend, and he was stoked because it was 'vintage,' or 'era correct.' you're not going to find all the modern amenities in an old-ass building in the tenderloin."

conversation with a "playboy"

near closing time, edinburgh castle pub, saturday night:

Pb: "so how long have you lived in this city?"

me: "oh, just over 2 years."

Pb: "i've been in this neighborhood for 5 years, and lived in the city for over 10 years! i'm approaching 30 now."

me: "i'm 30."

Pb: "know whats the best thing about SF?? theres always new hot bitches coming in!"

me: "uhh. . .yea."

Pb: "i dunno bout you, but i'm sort of a playboy. gotta run, see you around!"


i didn't know people actually referred to themselves as "playboys."

sneaky sex and its consequences

via text, saturday morning 11/7/09, 6:35am PST. (9:35am ET where melissa lives)

melissa: "i'm hiding naked under the covers at my boyfriends house. i just came. i'm still drunk from last night. his parents just came. . .over. they don't know i'm here. my clothes are outside."

ken: "haha!" "youre fucked. that happened to me once, but tiffany's brother caught us (i was about 17 at the time)."

melissa: "ha! i remember you told me that story before. they're talking fucking interior design for christsake!"

ken: "pretend you got raped. then just walk out and blame it on the roofies."

melissa: "you're so insensitive."

lisps

i've met more people with lisps in SF than everywhere else i've ever lived, combined. not sure why.

halloween

this was a really fun weekend. critical mass, monster mash alleycat checkpoint, and hella halloween parties. 2 days of cat ladying in the city.




the day after halloween, 11/1/09. via text:

ken: "Gonna chill in DP later with mira and friends. wanna go? prob 3ish or later."
jared: "i can't move."

rule #1: never talk about ex gf's on a date

"whatcha doin for halloween?"

"my friend clare is having a zombie themed halloween party, you should come!"

"have i met this friend?"

"no, i don't think so."

"are you sure? i think i met her."

"i dunno. she's actually my ex girlfriend."

"what?! hmmmm. i thought your ex lived in another state or something. . ."

"no. . . .thats my other ex, melissa . . . ."

FML x 2

tenderloin life

my life has changed a bit since i've moved to the tenderloin from hayes valley. although only 1 mile apart in downtown SF, they are worlds apart.

1. rent is $200-300 cheaper.
2. less douchebags, more junkies, hookers, trannys.
3. heightened awareness of urine and feces on the sidewalk.
4. decreased sympathy/compassion for less fortunate folks.
5. why do people wear flip flops in san francisco? its fucking filthy out there!
6. drinking more, sleeping less.
7. gentrification is an interesting process. but not unwelcomed.
8. so much good food over here. so much.
9. spending more time with good friends, but less personal time.

i think its a good fit.

2 overheard conversations

1) "so she slept in your bed and nothing happened? you guys didn't do anything?!"

"well, i touched her ass a little, but she was asleep so that doesn't count!"


2) (at work) "whats up with all these greasy fingerprints? this bike looks like it was worked on by a family of italians!"

mexico surf trip

here are some favorite photos from my trip to zihuatanejo, mexico and surrounding areas.

highlights:
1. lefts, all lefts.
2. caguamas.
3. barbacoa tacos and sopes.
4. siestas y hammocks.
5. pooping in the river, ocean, and on the beach.
6. single fin fun.
7. surfing in boardshorts only.
8. seeing a crocodile in the ocean, but paddling out anyways.
9. rape-eye.
10. every coke is a mexi-coke.
11. waterfalls/rock slide.
12. dogs, so many dogs.
13. i learned to climb a coconut tree barefoot!

lowlights:
1. barbacoa farts.
2. sweating, even in the 80 degree water.
3. mosquitos.
4. hot tents.
5. pooping, lots of it.
6. leeches and ticks.

conversation from a rural mexico internet cafe while on a surf trip

shaun: "want to see naked pictures of ken's ex-girlfriend?"

mitchell & craig: "sure, ok."

ken: "which one?!"

shaun: "melissa. can i show em?"

ken: "sure, i don't give a fuck. . . ."

small-man syndrome

i used to work with a wise older bicycle mechanic named pops. pops knew the answer to ANYTHING you would ask him. he taught me many valuable things. pops has been in the industry for a long, long time, and seen it all. from being a pro race mechanic for a team, to the the doldrums of the dirty-ghetto shop that my professional shop once was, to mentoring heroin-addicted teenage interns, and even into the current track bike boom. for better or for worse.

pops once told me about a strange phenomena that really came to life today, the "small-man syndrome." although this phenomena exists in many other forms of human nature, i will further elaborate about small man syndrome, specifically as it occurs in the bicycle world.

small man syndrome occurs when a customer intends to purchase a bicycle, yet absolutely refuses to purchase the one that fits properly. this phenomena occurs almost exclusively in men (never women) of shorter stature. instead, they opt to chose one that is clearly too large, disregarding any obvious signs that they should be riding the bicycle one size smaller. some of these obvious signs may include:

1) the bicycle is a "nut-buster," meaning that the toptube of the bicycle cannot be straddled with the rider flat-footed on the ground, without the rider's private parts being smashed on top of the bicycle's toptube. this is often compensated for by:
a) tilting the bicycle to the side while standing over the toptube, or
b) standing on tip-toes, while feigning disbelief, as he is being told that the bicycle is indeed too large for him.

2) the rider assumes a "superman" position on the bicycle in order to reach the handlebars. since the height of the bicycle is proportional to the reach, a too-large bicycle frequently is also too long for the rider (unless they exhibit "gorilla arms," which is not completely uncommon).


today, a 5'6" gentleman came in to buy a cyclocross bike. the cyclocross bicycles we sell have a higher bottom bracket than their road bike counterparts, therefore it is not uncommon to size down when selecting an appropriate sized cyclocross bicycle for the rider. the man tried 2 different sizes, but opted for the too-large size, even though i advised him against it, it was clearly a "nut-buster," and he rode it in "superman" pose.

i didn't even try to stop him from spending $1,100 on a bike that was clearly too large.

why not? this was pops' advice that i remembered today. "sometimes, there is absolutely nothing you can could say or do to convince a man that he should buy the bicycle with the smaller frame." it would fit him better, be more comfortable, and be better for his body in the long run. . . but he doesn't want to hear it. small-man syndrome effectively encrypts any incoming signals containing logic or reasoning that would otherwise prevent him from buying an ill-fitting bicycle.

a good reverse-analogy is vanity sizing.

drunk text

i received my first creepy text message last night at 1:45am. it was pretty cool. girls i know always tell me about or show me text messages from various creepers (i love that kind of stuff), but i could never really relate, until now. (maybe i write creepy texts to girls all the time, but if so, i'm totally clueless)

here's what it said, verbatim:

"I see you. Looking vulnerable. Want to hook up?"

it was from a rando 415 number, and i have a 619 number, so i thought it could be someone i know fucking with me. what are the odds that someone in SF drunkenly erroneously texts another San Diego transplant in SF's number after last call, who's phone number varies from mine by only 1 digit or so?

my imagination runs wild with all the colorful scenarios i envision as the setting for this intimate conversation. . .

turns out it was the wrong number. i got all excited for nothing.

locktite

a guy came in today to ask if we sell locktite. i said no, but to check any hardware store. then i noticed he was riding a brakeless track bike, with only 1 toeclip and strap.

me: "why do you need it?"

guy: "to put on my lockring, it keeps coming loose. (loosens it by hand to show me. mind you, this is on a bike with no brakes)"

me: "you should never need locktite on a lockring. you should get another toeclip, too, if you ride brakeless."

guy: "i need locktite because i tried crazy glue and that didn't work! i'm not getting another toeclip."

me: "WTF?! you used crazy glue?! if its coming loose, its because it wasn't installed properly and may be stripped. where did you get the wheel, and who installed the cog and lockring?"

guy: "bikewheelsdirect.com."

me: "so you just pulled it outta the box and started using it? you never took it to a shop to get installed properly?"

guy: "no. but its on there tight. see? (pushing cranks to show lack of cog movement)"

me: "dude. any wheel with a cog pre-installed from the factory needs to be removed, greased, and reinstalled. many of the bikes we get from the factory have cogs that can be loosened with my bare hands. you shouldn't be riding a brakeless bike with one toeclip and a loose cog and lockring on there. you could die."

guy: "well, the guy at the bike kitchen told me to just use locktite on the lockring."

me: "OMG. WTF. is this guy a bike mechanic or just some dude?"

guy: "he knows what he's doing, he's there all the time."

me: "obviously he does NOT. does he work at a shop or anything? (guy seems like he thinks i'm full of BS) if you don't believe me, call any other bike shop in SF. you should never use locktite on a freakin cog or lockring. if you need it, you did it WRONG."

guy: "he works at sports basement. hmmm, maybe i won't ask for his advice anymore."


2 thoughts from this story:
1) darwinism.
2) my main personal gripe about bike kitchens- they are swarming with misinformation, which trickles its way out and spreads like a disease. i think the main problem is that bike dudes tend to be very know-it-all about stuff (i'm guilty too, i'm sure). if you tend to take advice from novice internet bike nerds, you might want to make sure they know what the hell they are doing first. you could die.

revelations about self

ken: "leandra was right, i'm a relationship kinda guy."
melissa: "i would date you again. . . . if the thought of being your gf didn't make me cringe."

a conversation between friends about dating

clare: "i have boy problems!"
ken: "really? i've definitely taken a hiatus from girls."
mike r: "yeah, i've definitely taken a few girls hiatuses. . . "

soil saloon cyclocross races

the raptor classic: a series of 4 races, all in golden gate park on wednesday evenings. total D.I.Y. fun in the park, ride whateverthefuck bike you like, beer, campfire, then afterparty at benders.

week 1) i watched uri WIN the fucking thing on his new singlespeed 650b'er. i rode a lap on clare's cross concept and decided i would race next week.

week 2) my first off-road cycling race. did it on my serotta hardtail. so fun. had to stop along the route to take a shot of margarita and sing a song. first song that came to mind: vanilla ice. i dunno why. i decided that i need to build up a cross bike.

week 3) raced on my handsome (brand) frame that i transferred my beater parts onto. for now, its a singlespeed cx bike. so sick. i finished AFTER every single one of my friends that raced. steve, uri, david, raffa. it was so fun though.

next week: ss cx bike again. can't wait!

here's photos from other people's flickrs:

white industries track pedals

(i posted this on sffixed, but figured if i put it out there on the interwebs, it would reach a wider audience.)

i don't think there are that many out there yet, so i figured i'd give you guys a review. the only stuff about them online are pics, but nothing i read was written by anyone who actually tested them yet.

i almost bought them a few weeks ago, but didn't because they are expensive as hell, even at the employee purchase price. then, my coworker got me a set as a surprise gift. best gift ever!




1. they are fucking awesome.
2. they are most expensive clip and strap pedal in this market. $235 msrp.
3. think mks GR-9's, but with high quality cartridge bearings, a little wider platform (that was the biggest gripe about gr9's when they came out), and probably lighter.
4. totally CNC'ed, so in theory the flip tab shouldn't break off as easily as the GR-9's do. the metal is thin, but supposed to be strong.
5. i used them with some christophe toeclips i had laying around. lots of adjustability side to side, which was useful because there is a small lip on the inside of the platform that keeps your shoe from rubbing the crankarms. i had to move the toeclips a little outbound to make a comfy fit.
6. the flip tab is weird at first, but you get used to it fast.
7. i think white industries should have made provisions for double straps. they even have pics of the pedals with toshi doubles on their website! solution: use long bolts like i did in the 2nd photo, tuck strap underneath. and/or soma double-gate toeclips if you're into that. i'm not.
8. sure, they look sorta spiderman-ish in all the photos you see on the internet, but once set up, they just look like bad ass pedals.
9. i don't even have black anodized parts on my track bike, but i thought they looked nicer in black than silver. offsets the brass hardware.

other traditional pedals i've used in the past:
mks gr9
mks sylvans
campy track
campy croc d'aune
mks rx-1
kyokuto pro-ace
etc.

that is all, thanks for reading. feel free to ask q's or try them out if you catch me at work some time.

friends of the opposite sex

today:

friend: "if you're going to be my friend, you're gonna have to stop staring at my boobs."

ken: "i'm sitting lower than you are, so they are at my eye level."

friend: "thats the best excuse you can come up with?!"

ken: "sorry, i didn't know i was being that obvious."

getting served

Uri: "then the guy on the phone was like,'what size bike should i get to share with my gf. . . i'm 6'3" and she's 5'1".' what an idiot."

Ken: "yeah, thats retarded. you can't share a bike!"

Intern: "you guys all share the shop bike."

Ken and Uri: (silence)

Ken: "damn, you're absolutely right."

a letter to my friends, from japan

dear american friends,

japs have the craziest hair. from typical 'do's, to manga character spikes, white-people blonde locks, 80's GBH leather rocker frizzy style, orange-peroxided black hair, asian boy-band style, strawberry shortcake braids, etc.

i thought i'd get a haircut while i'm over here, but the language barrier and strong probability of my long luxurious locks being transformed into one of the aforementioned makes me think i should wait.

i'm on a tour with mostly older folks. its ok so far. lots of picture taking. my mom drives me crazy on a daily basis. i get my short temper from her. fuck.

today i saw a guy pushing a stroller full of shiba inu puppies. i took a pic for alex. i was the cutest thing i've ever seen. so cute, i wanted to just eat one. yesterday, we went to the tokyo national museum. most intriguing items: samurai swords. why? because they are fucking awesome, thats why. also, because i'd never seen thousand year old ones at a museum. . . . usually they are next to the other bitchin knives at the mall store that also sells paintball guns, sweet black button-up shirts with flame/dice embroidery, and those trippy bob marley posters you look at under a blacklight when you are on weeeeddddd, man. . . . .


love,
ken

advice from a friend

ken: "i'm really excited about this. . . i just hope i don't fuck it up."

melissa: "don't worry, you will."

attaining self sufficiency

skill training: removing stuck bottom brackets.

ken: "ok, then you turn the tool counter-clockwise."

youth: "here, hold the bike for me."

ken: "no. you need to learn to do it by yourself, without help. you aren't going to have a personal assistant every time you do this."

later:

ken: "the whole point of your internship is to help you become self sufficient and productive at your job, and your life. its ok to ask questions, but you aren't always gonna have someone looking over your shoulder to help you do every single task. there are certain basic things you gotta learn to be able to do yourself."

youth: "ok, cool. (while filling out timesheet) can you hand me a pen?

today i love:

working with at-risk youth.

i spent almost the entire day working with 2 interns today, building/fixing bikes- and they both did great. it was one of those days where you are glad that doing your job is more important than just a paycheck. at times this aspect can be frustrating, but today was golden.

epic sf -> sc ride

a group of us rode from san francisco to santa cruz today, along hwy 1. it was beautiful. the fog kept us cool till we were in SC county. we took old san pedro mtn road, which is a 100 yr old semi-paved wagon trail that goes around devil's slide. it was like nothing i've ever ridden on, especially on a road bike.

my car was broken into

i hardly drive anymore. when i do, its usually just to do the "SF shuffle," which means moving your car around twice a week to avoid getting a ticket in the street sweeping zones.

in the past year and a half i've lived here, i've been pretty lucky because i've never had my car broken into. after my honda civic was stolen in san diego around 2006, i vowed never to own another car with upgrades/mods. i wanted a plain ol' stock family wagon. i got a subaru outback.

i don't keep anything in my car. i'm parking it on the street in downtown san francisco, 24/7. i see cars with broken windows literally every single day. my method: i leave it completely barren, with untinted windows for any beholder to look and find nothing. if you are dumb enough to leave a bicycle, electronics, a purse or bag in plain view, some crackee WILL STEAL IT. i even left a bunch of blankets in the hatchback so that if the seats are folded down, it looks like someone might be sleeping there. they were originally used in the move, but just kinda stayed in there.

when i walked to my car today, something felt weird. i'd parked it on haight, just below octavia. octavia is a pretty bad street for broken into cars- a friend got his stuff stolen there once. anyway, i didn't see any broken windows as i walked up, so i felt ok. i looked inside. stuff was all over the seats. it took me a second to realize that i hadn't left it that messy- someone had gone through my shit!

turns out the thief was kind enough to just pry back the rubber seal on the door jamb and somehow let himself in.

here's the turnout:
1. they didn't get anything, because as stated above, i leave nothing in my bone-stock car.
2. there was no permanent damage to the car. i put the rubber seal back in myself.
3. i learned how to discreetly break into a subaru, should the need ever arise.
4. they didn't even find my spare change?! crack is a helluva drug.
5. they didn't bother to take my cd's?! so sad, nobody buys music anymore.
6. since my shit was already spread out everywhere, i figured it was a good time to clean out my car. so i did.
7. months ago, somehow i had lost the knob that you pull to fold the back seat down. you could manage to still do it by grabbing the threaded screw, but the knob was MIA. the crackhead found it for me, as i found it laying on my back seat. thanks!

tips and tricks for changing a flat

customer: "hi, i got a flat tire. i need to buy a tube."

ken: "ok, what size tire?"

customer: (pointing)"its that exact bike right there."

ken: "alright, here you go."

customer: "are there any tricks to changing a flat? like without taking the wheel off the bike?"

ken: "WHAAA???! sure. here's the trick: take the wheel off the bike."

customer: "yeah, but it seems easier to leave the wheel on there, like if you were in a race or something?"

ken: "thats impossible. think about it. the tube is completely round and the wheel is enclosed in the rear triangle."

customer: "what if you disconnect this part right here (pointing at quick-release)?"

ken: "i suppose that could be done, but you are making it a lot harder than just taking off the wheel, removing the old tube, replacing with a new one, and putting the wheel back on. you would have the entire bike in the way of working on the wheel."

customer: "ah i see."

ken: "i'd recommend looking online for a how-to tutorial with pictures to show you how to do it. that way you will get it right the first time."

customer: "ok, thanks!"

electronic shifting

yesterday our shimano rep came by the shop.

i rode a cervelo with the new DA group that uses ELECTRONIC shifting.

it was weird.

derailleurs are hard wired (not wireless), brakes are normal, cranks are normal. front derailleur auto-trims, and makes a cool sound. shifting is actuated by two buttons that are in the place of the shift levers. weight savings are non-existent since any weight saved in the shifters is gained back in the derailleurs plus battery pack. super expensive too.

shifts pretty crisply, but i'm not sold on it. i guess i'm just old fashioned.

TX homies weekend

3 of my best friends came up from houston and austin for the past 5 days. we've been friends for about 15 years, through it all. skateboarding, high school, punk rock, straight edge, surfing, hardcore, drugs, prison, law school, and beyond. i love how we can live so far away but still get together a couple times a year and its like no time lost. it was like a 5-day sleepover at my house.

i ate soooooo much food. pure, shameless, texas-style gluttony. last night we went for chowder breadbowls at fisherman's wharf, then went immediately over to in-n-out to get burgers and fries for dessert. we had to move fast so that we wouldn't feel full, which would prevent us from further gorging our guts.

other stuff we did: city loops on bikes, muir woods, twin peaks, best biscuits and gravy ever, riding trains, TL bars, mission bars, burritos, dolores park, dim sum, moved clare from TL to panhandle, kings/circle of death, upper haight bars, hill climbing, hill bombing, thrift shopping, farting, PBR, pupusas, full house house, and good ol' male bonding.

on my way to drop them off at the oakland airport, a seagull flew straight into the roof rack on my subaru. that was sad.