conversation from a rural mexico internet cafe while on a surf trip

shaun: "want to see naked pictures of ken's ex-girlfriend?"

mitchell & craig: "sure, ok."

ken: "which one?!"

shaun: "melissa. can i show em?"

ken: "sure, i don't give a fuck. . . ."

small-man syndrome

i used to work with a wise older bicycle mechanic named pops. pops knew the answer to ANYTHING you would ask him. he taught me many valuable things. pops has been in the industry for a long, long time, and seen it all. from being a pro race mechanic for a team, to the the doldrums of the dirty-ghetto shop that my professional shop once was, to mentoring heroin-addicted teenage interns, and even into the current track bike boom. for better or for worse.

pops once told me about a strange phenomena that really came to life today, the "small-man syndrome." although this phenomena exists in many other forms of human nature, i will further elaborate about small man syndrome, specifically as it occurs in the bicycle world.

small man syndrome occurs when a customer intends to purchase a bicycle, yet absolutely refuses to purchase the one that fits properly. this phenomena occurs almost exclusively in men (never women) of shorter stature. instead, they opt to chose one that is clearly too large, disregarding any obvious signs that they should be riding the bicycle one size smaller. some of these obvious signs may include:

1) the bicycle is a "nut-buster," meaning that the toptube of the bicycle cannot be straddled with the rider flat-footed on the ground, without the rider's private parts being smashed on top of the bicycle's toptube. this is often compensated for by:
a) tilting the bicycle to the side while standing over the toptube, or
b) standing on tip-toes, while feigning disbelief, as he is being told that the bicycle is indeed too large for him.

2) the rider assumes a "superman" position on the bicycle in order to reach the handlebars. since the height of the bicycle is proportional to the reach, a too-large bicycle frequently is also too long for the rider (unless they exhibit "gorilla arms," which is not completely uncommon).


today, a 5'6" gentleman came in to buy a cyclocross bike. the cyclocross bicycles we sell have a higher bottom bracket than their road bike counterparts, therefore it is not uncommon to size down when selecting an appropriate sized cyclocross bicycle for the rider. the man tried 2 different sizes, but opted for the too-large size, even though i advised him against it, it was clearly a "nut-buster," and he rode it in "superman" pose.

i didn't even try to stop him from spending $1,100 on a bike that was clearly too large.

why not? this was pops' advice that i remembered today. "sometimes, there is absolutely nothing you can could say or do to convince a man that he should buy the bicycle with the smaller frame." it would fit him better, be more comfortable, and be better for his body in the long run. . . but he doesn't want to hear it. small-man syndrome effectively encrypts any incoming signals containing logic or reasoning that would otherwise prevent him from buying an ill-fitting bicycle.

a good reverse-analogy is vanity sizing.

drunk text

i received my first creepy text message last night at 1:45am. it was pretty cool. girls i know always tell me about or show me text messages from various creepers (i love that kind of stuff), but i could never really relate, until now. (maybe i write creepy texts to girls all the time, but if so, i'm totally clueless)

here's what it said, verbatim:

"I see you. Looking vulnerable. Want to hook up?"

it was from a rando 415 number, and i have a 619 number, so i thought it could be someone i know fucking with me. what are the odds that someone in SF drunkenly erroneously texts another San Diego transplant in SF's number after last call, who's phone number varies from mine by only 1 digit or so?

my imagination runs wild with all the colorful scenarios i envision as the setting for this intimate conversation. . .

turns out it was the wrong number. i got all excited for nothing.

locktite

a guy came in today to ask if we sell locktite. i said no, but to check any hardware store. then i noticed he was riding a brakeless track bike, with only 1 toeclip and strap.

me: "why do you need it?"

guy: "to put on my lockring, it keeps coming loose. (loosens it by hand to show me. mind you, this is on a bike with no brakes)"

me: "you should never need locktite on a lockring. you should get another toeclip, too, if you ride brakeless."

guy: "i need locktite because i tried crazy glue and that didn't work! i'm not getting another toeclip."

me: "WTF?! you used crazy glue?! if its coming loose, its because it wasn't installed properly and may be stripped. where did you get the wheel, and who installed the cog and lockring?"

guy: "bikewheelsdirect.com."

me: "so you just pulled it outta the box and started using it? you never took it to a shop to get installed properly?"

guy: "no. but its on there tight. see? (pushing cranks to show lack of cog movement)"

me: "dude. any wheel with a cog pre-installed from the factory needs to be removed, greased, and reinstalled. many of the bikes we get from the factory have cogs that can be loosened with my bare hands. you shouldn't be riding a brakeless bike with one toeclip and a loose cog and lockring on there. you could die."

guy: "well, the guy at the bike kitchen told me to just use locktite on the lockring."

me: "OMG. WTF. is this guy a bike mechanic or just some dude?"

guy: "he knows what he's doing, he's there all the time."

me: "obviously he does NOT. does he work at a shop or anything? (guy seems like he thinks i'm full of BS) if you don't believe me, call any other bike shop in SF. you should never use locktite on a freakin cog or lockring. if you need it, you did it WRONG."

guy: "he works at sports basement. hmmm, maybe i won't ask for his advice anymore."


2 thoughts from this story:
1) darwinism.
2) my main personal gripe about bike kitchens- they are swarming with misinformation, which trickles its way out and spreads like a disease. i think the main problem is that bike dudes tend to be very know-it-all about stuff (i'm guilty too, i'm sure). if you tend to take advice from novice internet bike nerds, you might want to make sure they know what the hell they are doing first. you could die.

revelations about self

ken: "leandra was right, i'm a relationship kinda guy."
melissa: "i would date you again. . . . if the thought of being your gf didn't make me cringe."

a conversation between friends about dating

clare: "i have boy problems!"
ken: "really? i've definitely taken a hiatus from girls."
mike r: "yeah, i've definitely taken a few girls hiatuses. . . "

soil saloon cyclocross races

the raptor classic: a series of 4 races, all in golden gate park on wednesday evenings. total D.I.Y. fun in the park, ride whateverthefuck bike you like, beer, campfire, then afterparty at benders.

week 1) i watched uri WIN the fucking thing on his new singlespeed 650b'er. i rode a lap on clare's cross concept and decided i would race next week.

week 2) my first off-road cycling race. did it on my serotta hardtail. so fun. had to stop along the route to take a shot of margarita and sing a song. first song that came to mind: vanilla ice. i dunno why. i decided that i need to build up a cross bike.

week 3) raced on my handsome (brand) frame that i transferred my beater parts onto. for now, its a singlespeed cx bike. so sick. i finished AFTER every single one of my friends that raced. steve, uri, david, raffa. it was so fun though.

next week: ss cx bike again. can't wait!

here's photos from other people's flickrs: