brutal honesty

customer: "hi. i need a bike." (after being on cell phone in the shop for a few minutes. a big no no. fortunately, i turned on the cell phone jamming device.)

me: "ok." (looking at clock- its 12 minutes before closing time.)

customer: "i know you guys are about to close. what do you recommend?"

me: "i recommend not buying a bike in 12 minutes."

Skinheads

(On the street, SoMa district of SF)

Ken: "Whoa, look! a skinhead!" (You never see them around here- this guy was wearing red suspenders, 36-eye oxblood Docs laced up to his knees and Levi's rolled up all the way, sportin' chops, and a baseball cap!?)

Tara: "Nah man, thats prolly just a gay dude."

Ken: "Hmmm. . . (upon closer inspection) yeah, you're right. Its kinda sad when your subculture gets co-opted by the gays."

NO SLUGS.

Will and I woke up pre-dawn to head to Santa Cruz this morning for a surf. We went to a pretty localized spot north of town.

salty local: "NO SLUGS."
me: "?"
loc: "NO SLUGS!"
me: "Huh?"
loc: "That must have worked, you're not gonna say anything?"
me: "I have no idea what you're talking about."
loc: "UCSC students. You know, slugs." (UC Santa Cruz' mascot is the banana slug.)
me: "Ohhhh! I'm not a student. We just came down from San Francisco."
loc: (total 180) "Sweet man! Hows the surf up north?"
me: "Pretty big, but totally blown out."

Then, we were bros. The guy was fucking crazy, I'm glad everything was cool. In the water, he told me he hadn't been to SF in over 10 years.

"SO YOU LIVE DOWNTOWN? MAANNNN, I JUST LIKE TA WALK AROUND AND LOOK AT ALL DA BUILDINGSSSS. . . "










I broke my leash on my first wave. On my long swim in, Will saved my board from the rocky shoreline. After a couple unsuccessful attempts to re-tie the leash to the strap, the knot that worked best (albeit temporarily): a noose! I give full credit to my dad for teaching me how to tie a noose, back when I was a teenager in Texas. For fishing hooks! FISHING HOOKS! WTF were you thinking, you racists?!

Burning Man and Bikes

This time of year, ecclectics from all over the world come to San Francisco with hopes and dreams of acquiring a bicycle for $100 or less and decorating it lavishly for the Burning Man Festival.

If you don't know what Burning Man is, read here.

Once said bicycles are acquired, you can expect the frames and wheels to become decorated brightly with colorful tapes, fabrics, streamers, plaster, and even encrusted in shiny jewels and mirrors.

Think "scraper bikes," but for white people.

As a pure outsider to the event, (I've never attended, nor will i ever. But working at a bicycle shop, its inevitable I'm tangentially related to the procurement process of said festival for out-of-towners.) I've noticed a change in the demographic in the 3 years I've lived in The City. (I capitalized "The City" because it shows my acquired San Fran-centric perspective. . . that happens when you live here for a few years. Oh look, now its capitalized AND in quotations. Cool!) OK, Sorry for the digression.

Burning Man has become an even larger scale attraction in its worldwide grasp. Just yesterday, we had "to-be Burners" floating in from such distant lands as Australia, England, Canada, etc. They were all dressed very differently, spoke differently and had different visions of their ideal Burning Man bike-to-be, but all had one thing in common. . . CREDIT CARDS. They had money to spend and were willing to buy buy buy.

However, despite the cost of flying across the world, lodging, food, a $300 admission fee for said festival, and the cost of decorating a bike for the cause, nobody wants to spend a large amount of money on the bikes for a good reason: they get ruined in the desert. The salinity of the sand and dust in "the playa" (playa means beach is Spanish, so I have no fucking idea why people call the desert flats a "playa") causes bicycle parts to rust FAST. One would never want to bring their daily rider bicycle to Burning Man because it causes all the moving parts to gunk up and fast forwards their life span to an unservicable state within a month or so. While it is possible to take a nice bike there, return home, and overhaul every single moving part of the bicycle and return it to a functional state- this is rarely done.

Why? Decompression parties. That means at least a month of after-parties to get you off of "Burning-Man Time." Who has time to overhaul their bikes when all these sweet decompression parties are going on in SF, Bro?!

Anyways, it makes no sense to bring a nice bike out there, since it would get ruined. Ideally, one acquires a barely functional bike at a garage sale or on craigslist for dirt cheap, and as PT says "just make at least one gear and one brake work and its good to go."

The last minute procrastinators can peruse every bike shop in the city and find nothing. Bike shops sell bikes that work. It costs time and money to make a used bike functional, and bike prices are inflated here. Its pretty rare to find a $100 bike in San Francisco, ESPECIALLY at a bike shop. And if/when that exists, its scooped up immediately. There aren't enough deals like that to supply every eccentric person's Burning Man needs.

Here is an interesting, yet slightly peeving, snippet of a conversation I had with some neo-hippy Australian Burners yesterday.

Woman Burner: "I bet you can guess what we are here looking for." (That was cool, because she was real about why a group of 4 oddly dressed eccentrics floated into our shop)

Me: "Haha. I'm sorry, we did have some cheap bikes, but they are all gone."

Woman: "WHERE IS THE NEAREST WAL-MART?"

Me: "There isn't one in The City. Nearest one is at least 15 miles South of The City." (there i go again, ha!)

Woman: "Hmm, bummer. Actually, thats kind of awesome."

Me: "EXACTLY. SF is a pretty cool place."

She was right. The conversation itself wasn't peeving, since the woman was pretty cool. But the idea that such a free-spirited person would travel transcontinentally, buy a product which supports the most evil of evil corporate stores, to attend a festival created to foster free thinking and non-commercialism. . . is just a sham.

how to cope with time in jail

"I just tried to sleep as much as possible. Think about it. I you sleep 12-13 hours a day, thats that many less hours you have to deal with bullshit."

- As told to me by an intern, who just served a 6 month felony conviction.

relationship advice for single guys in SF

"When a girl tells you she isn't looking for a relationship. . . . that usually means she isn't looking for a relationship. . . with YOU."

- J. Roark, as told to me by M. Roark.

"yes, but are you a CYCLIST?"

An interesting couple came in to shop for bikes the other day.

Woman: "Do you know where we could try to find these Fuji bikes on the Peninsula? Because thats where we live, and we want to test ride them."

Me: "You are welcome to ride them, just leave me your ID."

Man: "We don't like riding in the city. Its dangerous. we almost got hit the other day riding around here! Some people just have no respect for others on a bike!"

Me: "I understand completely. I'm sure you could look at the manufacturer's website and find a retailer local to you. If you ride on Shotwell Street around the corner, it has much less traffic than this intersection here."

Both of them: "Well. . . ok."

(They test rode some Fuji hybrids.)

Both: "That was GREAT!"

Me: "Awesome, glad you enjoyed it."

Man: "Do you think I could sustain 30 mph on this bike? Just riding around and stuff?"

Me: "Definitely. . . if you're going downhill. 30 mph is pretty fast to sustain on flat ground."

Man: "Yes, but ARE YOU A CYCLIST?"

Me: "uh, yeah. . . i do work at a bike shop. So YES, i am a cyclist."

Man: "I mean, a man can run faster than a car thats going 30 miles per hour. On a bike, you should be able to go much faster." (He was pretty serious and set on this factoid.)

Me: "I don't think Lance Armstrong even sustains 30mph in the Tour de France." (fact that i just googled: Lance averaged 33.5 mph in the prolog stage of last year's TdF.) "Either way: NO, you probably won't be averaging 30 mph on this hybrid bicycle."


I realize that some bike shops may employ "salespersons" who may or may not actually be a "cyclist." However, I find it highly improbable that a knowledgeable person who sells bicycle products or works as a mechanic at a bike shop doesn't have at least some first hand knowledge of the products and/or bicycles and bicycling in general.

Sure, you can be taught most things and can even learn a lot from the internet, but c'mon. . . you wouldn't walk into an auto shop and ask a car mechanic if he drives cars, right??

repainting classic vintage bicycles

ken: "geoffrey, you need some bob jackson decals for your bob jackson. it just looks like a yellow bike right now!"

geoffrey: "if i were going that route, i'd prefer to get a proper bob jackson fork, then get the whole thing repainted and re-decalled."

ken: "do you like that its yellow?"

geoffrey: "uh, i made it work. i think it would look cool if i repainted it flat black."

clancy: "FLAT BLACK?!! WTF, what are you, a bike messenger or something?"

mountain biking dude talk

geoffrey: "she seems like a nice person. . . . to be good friends with."

ken: "ok now i know you're gay."

welcome to the tenderloin!

worst possible apartment showing:

before showing a vacant 2-bedroom apartment to two prospective tenants today, i had to kick a drunk and beligerent homeless dude off the doorstep. there is only 1 step at the bottom of the gate, so the gate hits anyone sitting on the step when it opens. not a good place to sit.

the apartment hunters were patiently waiting a little ways from the gate.

me (to bum, as i opened the gate): "look, every time i see you here, i HAVE to ask you to leave. please LEAVE NOW. get lost."

bum: "nah, don't worry- its cool." (implying that its ok for us to hit him with the gate and step over him to get into the building. its not cool.)

me: "dude. LEAVE."

woman bum standing with him: "i'm not a dude!"

me: "i know. i wasn't talking to you, since you aren't blocking the doorway. HE needs to go." (she understood, apologized and tried to get him up.)

bum: "YOU CA'T FUCKCING TEL MEE WHAT TO DO!!!"

me: "i tell you what to do every day. i'll tell you again tomorrow. see ya!"

prospective tenants: "well, what a great way to start the tour!"

me: "welcome to the tenderloin!"

heroin and its consequences

a story told, via facebook status updates:

Kenneth Ho- spent a lovely day cruising the coast, petting starfish at the monterrey bay aquarium, followed by a cliffside picnic overlooking the rugged northern california coast. then i came back to my apartment in SF and kicked a heroin user out of my basement, who had shitpissvomited everywhere.

Kenneth Ho- the guy was in his mid-20's, and didn't look homeless. he was wearing a north face jacket, air jordans, etc. he was def on heroin (i saw the needle and tin he cooked it in), but hadn't fucked his whole life up yet. . . so not a "junkie." i reserve "crackhead" for crack users more specifically. also, "tweaker" for your average crazy homeless ...

-to clarify, an alternate explanation for what happened, offered by an my friend mike-

Michael Roark- I stopped by your place the other day to show
you my fresh new kicks and jacket. You weren't home when I got there so I
followed somebody in to wait for you. Anyhow, my blood sugar must have
dropped because I fell asleep in the middle of administering an insulin
shot. It was the wierdest thing; when I came to, I was on Geary St.

ensuring the safety of others

ken: "hey, i'll walk you to the muni station."

kate: "its ok, you don't have to."

ken: "nah, the TL is sketchy."

kate: "well, i have been grabbed before. . . by drunk dudes that wanted to touch my hair."

ken: "well, there you go. my point exactly."

cute girls say cute things

the other day-

ken: "oh, you mean the lindsay i met yesterday. whats her last name?"

tara: "i forget. . . she's polish, so there's a lot of "I's" and "K's."



last night-

ashley: "soooo ken, i heard you have a new gf?! ANDDDD i heard she's british. and REALLYYY cool!"

ken: "yes, yes, and yes."

telling the ex gf about the new gf

clare: "does she ride a fixed gear?"

ken: "no."

being "PC" in the workplace

the funnest thing about "political correctness" is mocking how sensitive some people can be about it. its 2010 for fuck's sake. lighten up!

ken: "damn, its so hard to read the date on uri's new calendar from here. the numbers are too small."

geoffrey: "maybe its because your eyes are too. . . . "

ken: "THATS RACIST!!!" (dun dun dun)

geoffrey: ". . . too far away! TOO FAR AWAY! NOT TOO SMALL, just TOO FAR AWAY!"

ken: "i'm gonna fill out a formal complaint to the management on this one. hope you like sensitivity training, buddy!"

optimism and my mom

ken: "i met this really cool girl."

mom: "why does she like you?"

ken: "geez, mom! is it really that inconceivable that someone might like me?!"