idiots

(non bike nerds beware)

some kid comes in today (yes, i can call them "kids," as i am quickly approaching 30) with a mega-downtube spicer track frame, minus front wheel, and with a rim in hand.

kid: "hi, can you cut my steerer tube and install this bottom bracket?"

me: "ok, but what kinda bb is that in there?"

kid: "its a shimano un. . something or other."

me: "the problem is, your sugino 75 cranks are ISO(italian) taper, and you are using the wrong bottom bracket, which is JIS (japanese). what kinda bb do you want to put in there, because if its ISO, your square taper might be messed up and it won't sit properly (total bike nerd talk, but thats my job). its best if you just stick with a JIS bottom bracket, since its already deformed."

kid: "ok cool, because i have this dura ace bottom bracket." (hands it to me)

me: "this is a 103. you need a 107. this won't fit anyway."

kid: "but its DURA ACE?! i didn't know it was only a 103."

me: "it says it right here on the side (showing him). sorry dude, its the wrong size AND the wrong taper."


then, later in the same conversation:


kid: "ok, well can i just get some spokes and nipples to build this front wheel?"

me: "ok, let me see the hub and rim." (i look at them, utterly puzzled) "this hub has 24 holes, and your rim has 36 holes?"

kid: "i'm going to do a crow's foot pattern, and skip every 3rd hole. i've done lots of research."

(fyi: THIS IS A FUCKING HARD IF NOT IMPOSSIBLE FEAT FOR EVEN THE MOST EXPERIENCED WHEELBUILDER. i don't think its even possible, and if it is, it would require a lot of trial and error to get the spoke lengths calculated properly to the nearest millimeter increments. . . )

coworker: "dude, have you ever built a wheel before?"

kid: "no, but i've thought about it quite extensively for some time now."

me: "look. this is whats gonna happen. even if we could somehow figure out some wacky spoke length for this build, you're gonna try and it won't work out because there are multiple ways to build a crows foot pattern and its really hard, especially for your first wheelbuild. then you're gonna come back to us pissed, and blame us for giving you the wrong length spokes, and we're not gonna take them back. in theory, if you had US build a wheel, we would just recut spokes till we got it right."

kid: "well what do you charge for a wheelbuild?"

me: "fifty bucks. but i don't think we're gonna take on this ridiculous project for you at any cost."